This is the hardest part.
When to Approach Privately
Matthew 18 provides a clear pattern:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” (Matthew 18:15, CSB)
If safe and appropriate, seek clarification privately:
- “Help me understand what you meant.”
- “I’m confused because this was said previously.”
Watch the response.
Humble leaders clarify. Defensive leaders deflect.
When Leadership Rejects Accountability
Ezekiel 34 condemns shepherds who feed themselves instead of the flock.
If leadership consistently:
- Denies clear statements
- Shames dissent publicly
- Claims exclusive access to God’s voice
- Refuses outside accountability
You must ask whether the environment is spiritually safe.
Leaving Is Not Always Rebellion
Some believers stay too long because they fear being labeled disloyal.
But Christ is the Head of the Church—not any pastor.
If remaining means:
- Ongoing confusion
- Emotional manipulation
- Suppressed conscience
- Fear-based compliance
Leaving may be an act of stewardship.
Paul left cities when ministry became spiritually toxic. Even Jesus walked away from hardened environments.
Departure is not betrayal when conscience demands it.
A Word to Pastors
James 3:1 warns that teachers will receive stricter judgment.
Authority is not entitlement. It is stewardship.
If you preach, ask:
- Do I admit mistakes publicly?
- Do I welcome accountability?
- Do I distinguish my opinion from Scripture?
- Do I shepherd or control?
The pulpit must never become a weapon.
Final Encouragement
If you have experienced gaslighting from a pulpit:
- You are not unstable for asking questions.
- You are not rebellious for seeking clarity.
- You are not dishonoring God by pursuing truth.
Healthy churches do not fear examination.
Healthy leaders do not fear accountability.
Healthy preaching does not distort reality.
And restoration begins wherever truth is honored.
Thoughts from Pastor Toney 